an instructional guide to maintaining your birdcage! EVOLVE TODAY!

there is nothing i hate more than cleaning bird cages. it brings out the true rage i know lies deep within my psyche in every possible manifestation of how my day pans out. say, blog, ever owned parrots, finches or budgerigars? they're lovely. truly. cleaning up after them, however, is not.

the moment you realise it's time for you to clean out the bird cages (which generally happens once a week with someone like my mother in the house), your descent into seemingly perpetual anger begins. EVERYTHING becomes difficult, frustrating and seemingly pointless. your cat will definitely want to play with you right now, there won't be any more garbage bags, you're out of coffee.. you name it. it's all out to bite you, and it will where it can.















you will need:
- sunlight
- unsoiled newspaper
- paper towels
- replacement bird food
- a hose
- a scrubbing brush and/or tough-backed kitchen mit
- patience
- adequate space

first you need to take everything out of the cages (excluding perches, those can be done at the end) like food and water dishes, toys, etc. wheel the cages out onto the grass, so that any organic stuff like poo and old food shells/fruit scraps that may unintentionally fall out the bottom of the cage don't end up sandwiched between the bricks, growing new plants. i'm serious, you wouldn't believe how fast those seeds begin shooting. we didn't realise that under the finch cage there was a mini ecosystem going on.

so after that's done, you want to go get your hose and give your birds a very light misting so they don't overheat while you've got them out in the sun. it helps their feathers too, and encourages preening. okay sweet, now take out the bottom tray where you lay your newspaper to catch bird-cage debris like crap, feathers and dropped food and roll the old newspapers up and chuck them in the garbage. take the garbage well away from your birds, and douse it with flyspray so any lingering fruit flies will die instead of just come back when there's more food. then chuck out the bag and re-line the bins. don't ever take that shit back inside with you.

now take the trays to where you're hosing down and grab that mit or scrubbing brush, and remove anything that may be stuck to the cage like food or poop. don't worry about changing your newspapers just yet - you need to clean the grills as well and you don't want your birds escaping, so go chuck those trays in for now and take out the grill that sits directly above the tray. go grab your scrubber and scrub all that poo off the grills.

if you're trying to do this while dealing with a psycho raging parent in tow, whose only main function at times like these is to clean every conceivable thing, a quick tip: you want to try and channel that rage into getting your jobs done more quickly. for example, get angry at something "not working", and it'll likely result in said parent adopting whatever job you're doing and the 'rage' personality trait will result in your job being done at 2x the speed you were doing it. fast, efficient, and minimal effort on your part. side effects of this method however may include the heightened rage in your parental figure being now focused upon yourself as it has nowhere else to travel (and it must leave the body), so try and utilise this method where and when you can to avoid this. if unnecessary rage persists, you probably shouldn't be living with the crazy fool and should consider moving out with your birds because putting up with it for 18 years is more than enough.

so where were we.. ah yes. clean tray and grills? sweet. go get some paper towel and dry the trays and grills and chuck the grills back into your cage, take the trays out and re-line them with fresh, unsoiled newspaper. if your perches need a scrub, do that too. okay sweet you're almost done, now you gotta wheel your birds back into the shade and put everything back inside the cage like your birds' toys and stuff. go replace all the water, seed, fruit, millet, etc.. whatever you're feeding your birds. hose down the area where the cage may have let any debris escape onto the ground, and you've got yourself some clean birdcages and probably happier birdies.